Dealing

The best thing about being sober is waking up in the morning, ready for everything. I just got a very hard reminder about that ten days ago. I’m struggling with the other half of the day. There is so much shit in the wake of the years of checking out… And I know that I’m being all courageous to face them upfront, without a crutch. But O.M.F.G. It’s overwhelming. It’s scary. So many regrets, so much embarrassment of neglecting basically everything except the ”here and now”. Still, the only thing I can do is being here and now, and take the punches as they unfold.

I’m so grateful in the morning, I have my exercise routine (which probably keeps me sane), but I am fully aware of what has to be dealt with the second I step inside the door when I’m back home. And then I freeze. One thing at a time, right? I have to find my balance to focus on ONE thing. Some days I feel it, some days I have a meltdown. But I’m dealing.

Today has been a day when I’m feelin it 🙂 . I’m not alone in the house, I have the love of my life (14 years!!! Didn’t fuck that up, did I?). I count my blessings. I have two wonderful children, I’m alive and didn’t trash myself completely, I’m in a position where I’ve been given some time to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I started by removing my toxic friend alcohol. That’s not bad at all. I’m falling I love with the new me, I just have to keep the little sober car rolling. Everything else will come to me in the exact right time. I know it will, I’m already getting small signs.

Xo, Me

On my own

Ok day 5, here we go. My husband is on the road again, and I miss him. On day one, the horrible day, he brought our child to visit a friend and took me to the beach all day. I didn’t think I was going to make it through the day without ending up at the ER for panic attacks and anxiety. That was very, very real to me. I don’t know how, but ever since we met, he’s had this sixth sense about me. When I’m about to break down, he knows it before I realize where I’m heading. That might be obvious to many people, but I’m a great actress. But the most important thing…he seems to know how to help me before I reach that point of no return. The sound of ocean waves was incredible soothing, and It actually left me unharmed that day.

And now he’s away. I’ve been avoiding the house today, just to distract myself from being bored. I drove to all the places I know, and I just discovered that I like driving! I ended up grocery shopping, and went back home in the afternoon. And tonight I’m curled up in the sofa watching really ridiculous tv shows… Only time I can indulge, since child is at a sleepover and hubby is gone 🙂 I’m teaming that up with popcorn and green ice tea! My treat today. And I’m gonna have an early night and hope to God that I will have a full night’s sleep, I could really use that right now.

Over and out…

Xo, Me

 

 

Learning to fly again

Day 4. Little by little I’m beginning to get accustomed with the thought of forgiveness, and that I never had any intention of hurting myself or anyone in my family. This comes in tiny little rays of light, and then they drift off again. I’m reading and listening to Louise Hay, who’s soft voice comforts me into the night. It guides me to a restful drift into sleep, and then i wake up in agony after an hour, and i have to start all over again. I need to learn how to bring my head to a calm state. It helps. Then I need to learn how to keep on driving my sober little car again, to stay in it. Nothing can be compromised. Shit. I can’t pause this ride.

Today I went for a long training session first thing in the morning. I’ve created a little group of friends from all around the world at the gym. We live far away from home, and sometimes i feel lonely here. Most of the the time it is self-inflicted, and I actually like being around myself, but I also realize that it doesn’t serve me well at all times. so it is a perfect crowd and a perfect time of day to meet a group that makes me happy. The thing is, I feel so cherished around them. We always meet up for a class or two (haha, did you just read a glass or two?), and chat a lot before and after. Sometimes we have breakfast and lunch together, and I enjoy it a lot. No booze, only healthy stuff and long talks about life. The main thing we share is living a healthy life, become strong and in shape, and support each other since none of us have extended family or old friends here. I also have a very small circle of friends from home (both ex-problem drinkers and ”normal” drinkers) that knows about my blog…thank you for reading this, it means the world to me. All support is crucial and treasured.

I’ve always been a health freak. Yeah I know! Right? Always tried to get moving, just do it for the fun, eat healthy, taught different kinds of classes and loved it all. So when did the problem drinking start? Well, you’ve heard it before. It started when I became a stay at home mom for the second time. The first couple of years weren’t that bad, I was too busy, obviously. I felt lonely. I had no family left in my home town, and my old friends either had no children or grownup children. I thought it would be different since I now actually was in town most of the time (I travelled a lot in my previous job). I didn’t realize that most of them were crazy busy in their lives and jobs. My husband travelled a lot too, and I was pretty much left alone for extended periods of time. My wine o’clock rang earlier and more frequent.

That was about seven years ago. I’ve had better periods and worse periods. Tried to stop, tried to moderate, tried to keep myself busy, you name it. It is exhausting. I deserve better. They deserve better. I know that the days are getting better as I go along. Right now thats all I should think about. And giving myself treats every other day. A manicure. Some strawberries. A magazine. Treats from all over the world (love him for, like, everything he is to me). Thank God I’m not alone. Lonely sometimes, yes. Alone? Never.

Xo, Me

Edit: I just made myself a drink. Lots of crushed ice. I squeezed a lemon, poured some Perrier over, a hint of elderflower juice, a slice of lemon on top. In a nice tall glass with a straw. Then I just gulped it down in under two minutes. I checked. Yup. Thats addictive behavior. Sigh.

 

Fallen from grace

 

I have had a spring of days when I kept on postponing my morning meditation, my training and the affirmations. You know, life gets in the way. That’s not an excuse. I LET life get in the way. We can’t protect ourselves against other people’s ways, and I was beginning to get TIRED. I FUCKED IT UP. Of course I had to fuck up the happiest time in a long long time.

It just started like a normal day, and I was a bit upset about a family issue that has surfaced. Plus all the things I wasn’t doing. Just try to give Wolfie a little hint…and he strikes, and he wins this round. After bloody 59 days. So suddenly I stood outside the liquor store with two bottles of wine. I was just waiting to be the only one awake in the house, that’s all. Don’t screw up someone else’s evening. Just my own. Two nights. Two hellish days after.

Yesterday was a living hell. I was beating myself to death for doing this to myself and to my family. I’m so unbelievably trashed inside my head, how could I let it happen??? After fiftynine glorious days where I could be counted on, all hours of the day? It hurts so bad that I just want to sink through a hole in the ground.

I told my husband the minute he was home and awake after a trip, and he was extremely forgiving and understanding. Sad, yes, but mad? Absolutely not. Just glad that I was honest about it this time. But nothing can drag me out of that shit that I got myself tangled in again. Nothing nothing helps on that day 1. I cannot believe I’m here again. I hope I will find a light somewhere in my heart to forgive myself. That must be the way out. Sorry if I made you disappointed, but I’m writing this to help myself.

Xo, Me

52 and counting

So here I am, all sober on day 52. Hooray for me! I just got home from a vacation in Southern Europe, and we arrived at my brother’s place nine days ago. The first day went by in a nice pace, and Wolfie was not to be seen. The weather was a bit terrible, and it was a nice change from the all-sunny place we live for the moment. Yes. It can be shitty even if the sun shines every day.

It was on the second day that the big pang came. Not like a craving, more like a fucking-pissed-off-bithcy state of mind. It’s NOT FAIR! Everybody gets to chill with a beer (I don’t even like the stuff) except me, I’m a fucking saint that has to be all pink and sweet and gently smile mysteriously. Can I at least have the permission to swear and mumble ugly things while I do the cooking? While other people chill in the sunset with a fucking beer? Or maybe I should just crawl under the bed before anyone gets offended… Yeah. That I can do.
The next morning it was all over, and I went back to my running. Loved the scenery, loved the chill, and the sun was shining frantically. Lots of oxygen and a big grin on my face.

That made me think about how we handle dark feelings. Or ”bad” feelings. Yes. Some people drink. That’s the quickest way out of that specific mood. And then again. It gets worse. I’m still learning to ”stay” in my feelings, good or bad. In our society, we want so much to fix a close one that is depressed or sad or not shining. Is it allowed to feel rage? Anger? Despair?

Sometimes you just can’t fix me. Sometimes I just need to feel the ugly feelings too. I have to look into that darkness before I turn away from it. It might have something to say.

xo, Me

Keeping on with my lovely sober self

A dear friend congratulated me on my first month as a sober woman. He’s the only one I know from the past that is totally open about his alcohol problem, and he’s the first one I called when I found myself deep, deep down a couple of years ago. When you are that far along in horror and pain, you want real answers to all the questions that are racing in your mind. Like ”How bad I’m I”, or ”What if I already destroyed my liver, and how do I know that?”, or ”Can I die from withdrawals?”. Nobody answered these questions as good as he did, the thing is, he didn’t want me to take another glass just because of the fears I had, he only wanted me to concentrate on one thing: ”Everything will heal if you stop drinking. The body is amazingly good at recovering!”

And he’s right. The body has a fantastic intelligence, no matter how we abuse it. I’ll be forever grateful for that. Was I just being lucky? Or did my ”healthy living” help?

Wolfie is far away from me at the moment, and I’m pleased with that. But once in a while, he comes back, strong. I got this advice from another sober friend: ”Wolfie is there, but he doesn’t have to be listened to. You pat him on the head (or kick his ass) and just keep on with your lovely sober self.” I wish for all people to have people like that around you!

Xo, Me

Nothing tastes as good as sober feels!

Happy 30 days to me 🙂 What have I learned during this month? Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That is what you should avoid when you’re getting sober, or HALT as AA calls it. For me it is impossible not to add B for bored. When I get bored, I want to drink. This is probably the reason why sobriety comes kind of easy this time, I set off a few projects when i stopped drinking. They’ve helped me stay away from bored, and as the take off, new ones appear in their wake. I am being guided by something, no doubt about that. New people, new assignments, new information to gather. Keep on coming, I need it!

I also make sure that I get enough sleep, enough food and enough company. I used to be my own worst enemy, now I’m like a watchdog protecting my interests. Selfish? Well, it seems like I have more energy to hand out to others as long as I’m protecting me. I don’t experience stress the same way. I sleep like a baby. I plan my days. Ok, I try, anyway. And oh, yesterday my husband asked me if I’ve had Botox in my face (hahahaha). Love that. My sober baby face 😀

Xo, Me