Day 4. Little by little I’m beginning to get accustomed with the thought of forgiveness, and that I never had any intention of hurting myself or anyone in my family. This comes in tiny little rays of light, and then they drift off again. I’m reading and listening to Louise Hay, who’s soft voice comforts me into the night. It guides me to a restful drift into sleep, and then i wake up in agony after an hour, and i have to start all over again. I need to learn how to bring my head to a calm state. It helps. Then I need to learn how to keep on driving my sober little car again, to stay in it. Nothing can be compromised. Shit. I can’t pause this ride.
Today I went for a long training session first thing in the morning. I’ve created a little group of friends from all around the world at the gym. We live far away from home, and sometimes i feel lonely here. Most of the the time it is self-inflicted, and I actually like being around myself, but I also realize that it doesn’t serve me well at all times. so it is a perfect crowd and a perfect time of day to meet a group that makes me happy. The thing is, I feel so cherished around them. We always meet up for a class or two (haha, did you just read a glass or two?), and chat a lot before and after. Sometimes we have breakfast and lunch together, and I enjoy it a lot. No booze, only healthy stuff and long talks about life. The main thing we share is living a healthy life, become strong and in shape, and support each other since none of us have extended family or old friends here. I also have a very small circle of friends from home (both ex-problem drinkers and ”normal” drinkers) that knows about my blog…thank you for reading this, it means the world to me. All support is crucial and treasured.
I’ve always been a health freak. Yeah I know! Right? Always tried to get moving, just do it for the fun, eat healthy, taught different kinds of classes and loved it all. So when did the problem drinking start? Well, you’ve heard it before. It started when I became a stay at home mom for the second time. The first couple of years weren’t that bad, I was too busy, obviously. I felt lonely. I had no family left in my home town, and my old friends either had no children or grownup children. I thought it would be different since I now actually was in town most of the time (I travelled a lot in my previous job). I didn’t realize that most of them were crazy busy in their lives and jobs. My husband travelled a lot too, and I was pretty much left alone for extended periods of time. My wine o’clock rang earlier and more frequent.
That was about seven years ago. I’ve had better periods and worse periods. Tried to stop, tried to moderate, tried to keep myself busy, you name it. It is exhausting. I deserve better. They deserve better. I know that the days are getting better as I go along. Right now thats all I should think about. And giving myself treats every other day. A manicure. Some strawberries. A magazine. Treats from all over the world (love him for, like, everything he is to me). Thank God I’m not alone. Lonely sometimes, yes. Alone? Never.
Edit: I just made myself a drink. Lots of crushed ice. I squeezed a lemon, poured some Perrier over, a hint of elderflower juice, a slice of lemon on top. In a nice tall glass with a straw. Then I just gulped it down in under two minutes. I checked. Yup. Thats addictive behavior. Sigh.